Puzzlement consumes my life

You’re my ex for a reason. Go away!!

So I went over to talk to my mate in the ref, partly coz I need to tell him something but mostly using it as an excuse to go over coz he’s sat with guy I kinda like. But I get over there, can’t look at the guy and then as soon as I feel him looking at me I end the conversation with my mate awkwardly fast and practically run out the ref.

I am not built for this whole boy flirting/attractiveness thing.

I like a boy…

Yesterday was this festival at my uni, it was amazing and I had a great time. The uni’s radio station station presents it which mean me as I’m part of the radio and there’s guy from station who’s really sweet and funny and cute and yeah… He came on stage at same time as me and we were just joking around and all. Then we were dancing around and getting close but didn’t do anything but I like him..

2 brothers, 2 relationships

So I am home for easter. My brothers got back fom dads last night and me and my youngest brother talked and made a den (yes we are awesome) and had a laugh.

Meanwhile my other brother has barely spoke to me and I was trying to do work by recording lines so I could learn mine for as scene and he just kept shouting at me to shut up and its not like he was trying to listen to something else or concentrate on his own work as hes just sat on his laptop playing stupid games and being selfish. I ended up screaming at him for being so inconsiderate and unfair. (My throat now hurts…a lot)

I just get on best with me youngest brother (13) the other one (15) is just a prick basically.

I love coming home but normally after a few days it wears off and my brothers get on my nerves but right now I’ve been home for 3 days had a great time with my mum, seen one of my friends, had fun with baby brother but not one nice word or moment with the other one. Ughh, fucks sake, families are so annoying. Haven’t even gone to my dads yet :/

No news is good news…

I never really understood that saying untill now…

I’ve been suffering from back pain for about a year, it sometimes will die down and I wont notice it but the last couple of months has been worse. However, every time I went to the doctors I was sent away with some ‘excecises’ to do and I didn’t get anywhere with it. But on monday I went to the doctors as the day before I had been in agonising pain and finally felt like I was being listened to. The doctor prescribed some stronger painkillers which are helping and I had blood tests done and an X-ray. Finally I might found out whats wrong with me but I’m worried about the results. On the one hand they could find there is something wrong which is obviously bad. But on the other hand if they don’t find anything, I’m back to square one, will they just dismiss me again because they didn’t find a diagnosis. I don’t know what would be worse. I just want answers so that I can get treatment and start feeling normal again.

7 Days time and I will know the results, just got to wait until then now. This is gonna be a long week.

Guess I’ll be distracting myself with a lot of work and movies..

Realising the truth…

My mum and sister are now worried I stay in every night and never go out. I think they’re realising I have no friends here. In a way I’m glad coz it will mean I can stop pretending but then again I don’t want them to know because they worry and then they get on my backs about it like its my fault and its just annoying to be honest…

In a way I’m thankful they’re getting on my back and trying to get me to go out more but on the other hand I wish they’d just leave it…